For years, all my dreams were nightmares. One in particular always felt the most real. I can remember having this dream since I was about 7 years old. It would always begin the same way: I would be walking out of my house on the way to the beach. Everything was perfect; I seemed happy. Then there would be a change in the air, the sky would start to turn gray, and I would start to run. Not sure what I was running from, it just felt like I needed to get away. No matter how fast I ran, I never got anywhere. Suddenly, I would turn around and find myself in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t feel afraid; I felt calm in the water, like nothing could get me. I felt the sun again, looked up, closed my eyes, and then a hand would grab my foot and pull me down. I struggled to break free and then woke up, out of breath and sweating. Confused. Did I die? Was it a dream? It was hard to tell because I was soaked. I came back to my senses…it was just a dream…again.
For more than 15 years, this dream haunted me. I was too proud and afraid to go to therapy to help me fight my demons, so I would self-medicate.
One day, I came across a book on lucid dreaming and some techniques that can help you realize you are dreaming and change the outcome of your dream. I think I tried every technique, but still, I couldn’t control my dream.
One night, I found myself in this dream. The sky started to turn gray, but this time I felt like I had been there before. I looked up and the gray sky started to clear, and I could see some rays of sun, but then it turned gray again, so I started to run. But then I stopped, thinking, I have been here before. I looked up again and for one second I saw the sun, but then the sky turned gray again. I was in the water, being pulled down, but this time I didn’t wake up. I kept going deeper and deeper, but I did not wake up. I opened my eyes underwater, and all my fears and traumas were pulling me down. I felt like I couldn’t hold my breath anymore and needed to get back up for air, but I couldn’t reach the top. The more I swam, the further down I went. I thought to myself, there’s no point; just let the air out and don’t fight. As the last of my air came out, I saw bubbles around my face. Just take a breath and let go, I thought. So I did. But I didn’t feel like I was running out of breath anymore. I realized I was breathing underwater. Is this a dream? I didn’t care; I was breathing underwater! I could see clearly underwater now. My fears were in front of me, but I wasn’t scared, and they turned into graffiti on an underwater wall. I started to swim all over with my new ability to breathe underwater. The wall turned into an underwater castle full of colors. It was an amazing dream. I started to cry out of happiness as I was no longer surrounded by darkness but only good vibes. Then there was a knock on the door. I went to open it and woke up. This time, though, I was not scared, not out of breath, nor soaked in sweat. I felt light, like I had let go of something. I lay there in bed feeling good.
Surrendering to my fears and embracing the unknown beneath the surface was terrifying, yet profoundly liberating. Since then, that dream has never returned.
Now it’s time to listen to another banging playlist by DJ Jim Panse (@djjimpanse).